On board I can cope with stress, no problem,

Split pipe? Isolate and change.

Fuel leak? Isolate and clean.

Blackout? Kick duty engineer, start stby generator, ask why emergency didn’t start, kick electrician

Sewage system down? Get angry that 4th can’t fix it, fix it myself, stress gone, kick 4th anyway.

I can deal with work stress, I have the answers, and if I don’t have the answers, the Chief will, and if he doesn’t well, I’ll wait until smoko and take the piss, and the stress dissipates, it might be because I am blissfully unaware of everything that is going on, or it might be because I have accepted that not matter how well you look after an engineroom and its equipment, if something wants to fail, throw its hand in, fall over, or generally make a mess of what is always the bit you’ve just cleaned, that’s fine, its done, dusted. The engineroom Ernie has done his deed and away you go to fix it.

But why can’t I cope with real life stress? And why do I let one bit of stress infect every part of my real life? Honestly, when I get stressed ashore, it’s like someone has dropped a bag of water, and it just goes everywhere. I am suddenly not the cold calculated git I am onboard. I no longer have the “ah cock it, that’ll do” attitude that I generally have.

I feel abandoned, insecure, dull, uninteresting, disconnected and generally like a weight round everyones neck.

I get stressed and worried about one thing and like trying to hold back leaks in a dam wall, you can only block so many,, and the one you can’t reach has all the leak through it. Well the last couple of weeks its been getting worse, dam gave way, stress coating everything.

And I don’t get it. Why. Why I do this? Why I focus on one part of my real life, and go into what seems like self destruct mode with it when I’m stressed. It’s not fair on me, and it’s not fair on others.

Is this my way of gaining control? Is this what happens? If by forcing something, feeling something other than the all consuming stress, my brain and body prefers that?

Because if that’s the case, it can fuck right off, I want to go back to being in control of myself again, and being a decent person, not this malingering needy cycle I have slipped into.

You’d think, my brain would help me out here, but no, he put me here, and he’s damned if he’s gonna help me back out.

The utter and total shit.